Base Plan Would Alter Military Landscape

The Niagara Falls Air Reserve Station closing is just a tiny part of this move.

Does anyone else suspect that the Bush admin is punishing areas of the country where they're not popular and rewarding areas where they are with this plan?

On the chopping block are two major New England bases — the submarine base at Groton, Conn., and the Portsmouth Naval Shipyard in Kittery, Maine — that supporters say are economic engines of the Northeast....closing the two major bases and several smaller military sites in Connecticut and Maine would mean the loss of nearly 30,000 jobs — on and off the bases. Work would shift to facilities in Norfolk, Va. and Kings Bay, Ga...

Under the plan, bases in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina and Alabama would add thousands of troops, with affected communities gaining at least 35,000 total new jobs — and an economic shot in the arm....Bases in Colorado, Nevada, Oklahoma and Texas — where land is cheaper and plentiful — would see increases, to

Hmmm. So they're pulling the $$ out of New England and NY, and putting it into the deep south. Nothing personal, we're sure.

In other NF Air Base closing news, former Beast contributor Chuck Richardson has come out in favor of the closing. According to Chuck,

This is much sound and fury signifying nothing. A chance for Reynolds and all the local pols to play hero. The deeper issue is militarism and how our addiction to it is economically manifested. If the base is closed, the feds will have to deal with all the waste that's stored there. It would be like uncovering a rock that they know many ugly things are crawling under. This is merely an exercise by the political class to demonstrate that "democracy" works in America. This charade is particularly important at a time our local governments are being taken over by control boards. Did you ever think that the air base's very existence, a remnant of what occurred in the Falls re: development of the bomb, is what's holding this area back?

We're pretty sure this is the first time Chuck has sided with Don Rumsfeld on an issue.

So much media, so little news

Nice editorial from the Vermont Gurdian about the media's failure to actually report the news. Highlights:

A few months ago, the Pew Research Center conducted a survey of public attitudes about U.S. news coverage, asking people whether the media “usually get the facts straight.” In past polls, 55 percent have said the media usually gets it right, an outcome considered shockingly low at the time.

This time, only 36 percent said coverage of major stories is accurate. And this isn’t an isolated finding. Explaining the survey, Pew Research Center President Andrew Kohut added that various questions show “fewer people believing what they read, what they hear, and what they see in the news media.”

[...]

Sometimes the mainstream media simply ignore the news. As reported in the Vermont Guardian this week, a British newspaper recently revealed clear new evidence that U.S. intelligence was shaped to support the drive for war in Iraq. The evidence includes various documents such as the minutes of a July 23, 2002, meeting in the office of British Prime Minister Tony Blair during which British support for the war was considered a given.

As a result, 88 members of the U.S. House of Representatives are demanding an investigation. But this so-called “smoking gun” memo and the congressional response it has sparked have received little attention in the U.S. press.

Seriously, we learned of that story from a sentence fragment in the CNN news crawl, as Wolf Blitzer did another riveting segment on the "Runaway Bride." Way to go, free press!

Rats, skunks making a comeback

More good news for Buffalo.

Funny thing is, we thought by the headline this was going to be an article about local politicians. Ba-dum-bum!

While the extra money will help, Public Works Commissioner Joseph N. Giambra said it won't address all the problems.

Giambra, huh? Weren't they supposed to be getting rid of all those patronage jobs? Tchya, right.

We remember the days before they doled out those big blue trash cans to everybody a few years back. On garbage day, as you walked around the west side, rats would scurry back and forth between the tash on the curb and their little homes beneath the front steps up to the porches of each house. Not looking forward to that again. Every year, this town reminds us more and more of Roger & Me.

I Dream of Greenie

Daily Kos :: About to Burn my Democratic Registration

Matt's column about sell-out Democrats and the bankruptcy bill, "Super Whores," has caused a stir over at DailyKos. The scales have fallen from a disillusioned Democrat's eyes, and he considers leaving the party. Good for him.

Of course, his brethren offer a hailstorm of scorn for questioning the almighty Jackass party, excoriating the poor soul for abandoning the "not quite as horrible" justification for sticking with the Dems. And there's a heaping helping of the unquestioned dogma that Nader cost the left the 2000 election, however dubious that contention is. According to one dipshit, "Nader destroyed any hope of a progressive party."

No, assholes like you did. Wouldn't things be more interesting, not to mention representative, if there were a few major parties--one for moderate conservatives (wherever they are), one for "mainstream" Democrats, one for Christian fascists, and one for real progressive lefties? Sounds like a plan. If only the Greens had the balls, they might actually work to strengthen their party rather than defer to the Democrats whenever an election really matters.

For locals keeping score, let's not forget that our new Dem congressman Brian Higgins voted for the bankruptcy bill, too.

Dillemma of Dilemmas

Pizza or Chinese? We can't decide.

Cast your votes here.

Taibbi interview on salon.com

Salon.com Books | Politics-a-palooza

People can't seem to get enough of the horse sperm pie thing. Three mentions in this interview.

I couldn't believe that they picked Kerry. When I was in Florida volunteering for Bush, this came up quite a bit. Everybody there was so glad Kerry was the nominee. They all said the same thing: Thank God it wasn't Howard Dean.

Exactly. That's why they still throw up that "yeeargh!" thing everytime they mention Dean on the news. The GOP was scared of the guy. Dems picked Kerry because they thought they could beat Bush with anyone, as long as he wasn't too "controversial." Wrong.

You have to watch an ad or something to read the article. Sorry.

Dobbs has Probs

Lou Dobbs isn't so sure about evolution.

DOBBS: The fact is that evolution, Darwinism, is not a fully explained or completely rigorous and defined science that has testable results within it. Like a --

RUSE: Now, who says that? Is that you?

DOBBS: I do. I do.

This in a "debate" including Dobbs, an evolution supporter, and representatives for the two "competing theories"--intelligent design and creationism, as if the former isn't just the latter with a thesaurus.

For the record, evolution is testable and defined. That it is termed a "theory" in scientific jargon doesn't alter the fact that it is simply the demonstrable, observable truth. Not that the truth ever got in the way of the ignorant, knuckle-dragging fundy horde before. If anything, throwbacks like those pushing to teach fairy tales in science class are the best evidence we have that we are 98% chimp.

Looks like Kansas will soon be joining the Axis of Stupid.

Sorry for two media matters posts out of three, but this one just stuck in our craw.

We Love The Yes Men

The Yes Men Rule.
These guys started sending us e-mails when they were promoting their movie. They are two very effective hoaxsters, who have done interviews and given presentations at conferences posing as representatives of some of the world's most evil institutions, such as the World Bank and Dow Chemical. They were the inspiration for GWB to say "there ought to be limits to freedom." They are wicked and righteous--and very funny. And they are fans of ours, displaying impecable taste.

When we get "Dow press releases" like this, we know who's behind the curtain. But not everybody is so savvy:

BANKERS EMBRACE "GOLDEN SKELETON" MASCOT

Two weeks ago at a London banking conference to which they had
accidentally been invited, two "Dow representatives" described a new Dow computer program that puts a precise financial value on human life.

The 70 bankers in attendance enthusiastically applauded the lecture, which described various industrial crimes, including IBM's sale of technology to the Nazis for use in identifying Jews, as "golden skeletons in the closet"--i.e. lucrative and therefore acceptable.

Several of the bankers then posed for photos with "Dow Acceptable Risk" mascot "Gilda, the Golden Skeleton," and signed up for licenses for the "Acceptable Risk Calculator," which helps businesses determine the exact point where human casualties will start to cut into profit, and suggests the best regions on earth to locate ventures with potentially very high death tolls.

See http://theyesmen.org/hijinks/dow/acceptablerisk.shtml for video and photos of the event, and http://dowethics.com/risk/ to try out the "Acceptable Risk Calculator" for yourself.

Is this ironic or just fucking funny? Either way, we doff our hats.

Media still claim "nuclear option" is a Democratic term

We suppose they think it would be called the "nucular option" if the Republicans made it up.

Seriously, this is just retarded. Papers like the LA Times, Chicago Trib, and even the Christian Science Monitor can't seem to get this simple fact straight, despite the term reeking of gung-ho military attitude.

By the way, the Christian Science Monitor is not a Christian paper; in fact it's one of our few remaining respectable newspapers. We're tired of people thinking that--although the name kind of asks for it, we'll admit.

Better late than never

Website's finally updated.

Over a week overdue. Bleh.

Yale Profs for Academic Hegemony

Joshua Frank: an Interview with David Graeber

Something tells us David Horowitz and his Students for Academic Freedom won't be defending David Graeber, the anarchist Yale Professor who's getting canned solely for his political beliefs.

One thing that I've learned in academia is no one much cares what your politics are as long as you don't do anything about them. You can espouse the most radical positions imaginable, as long as you're willing to be a hypocrite about them. The moment you give any signs that you might not be a hypocrite, that you might be capable of standing on principle even when it's not politically convenient, then everything's different.

[...]

I'm sure it's not like there's someone giving orders from above or anything, but there's a climate suddenly where people feel they can get away with this sort of thing, and the Ward Churchill and Massad cases obviously must have something to do with that. I've been hearing a lot of stories, in recent weeks, about radical teachers suddenly being let go for no apparent reason. They don't even have to dig up something offensive you're supposed to have said any more - at least, in my case no one is even suggesting I did or said anything outrageous, in which case, at least there'd be something to argue about.

This is getting ridiculous.

Fingered

This bitch is in deep shit.

The finger that a woman said she found in a bowl of Wendy's chili came from an associate of her husband who lost the digit in an industrial accident, police said Friday.

Gee, we're sooo shocked. After all, she looks like such a nice lady.

How exactly do you get your buddy's severed finger? "Hey Carl, you done with that?"

Along with the runaway bride BS, we see an emerging trend of media gullibility. But it's a win-win situation, because then they have a whole second story cycle about how the first story was bullshit.

Wither Watson?

Rod Watson ridicules another bogus fundraising scheme.:

"But his tale of being appointed to the GOP's Physicians Advisory Board and being named one of its doctors of the year illustrates not only why average citizens can't get the health reform they need, but why they can't get much of anything else, either.

Mueller got these honors because of his work in the Jamestown medical community, the journal articles he's penned or the 2001 book he wrote about health care, right?

'Oh, heck no,' he said, after forking over $1,750 to expose the charade.

In fact, his medical work never came up when the National Republican Congressional Committee kept calling, like a political telemarketer. What they wanted was money, not a diagnosis. Finally, Mueller found the prescription for what ailed them and sent back a form pledging $500.

'I faxed it back, and then I got the Physician of the Year award,' he said. 'It just came out of nowhere.'

Actually, it came out of Tom Reynolds' office at the NRCC...His forte is raising money, and that's what this was all about. In fact, the crassness of it is almost funny."

Almost.

Rumor has it that the News management has it in for Watson. This makes sense, because he is the most balls-out columnist they've got. Sure, his arguments are often one-sided and simplistic, but those are prerequisites for consideration as a columnist by the News. And Watson is the News' only representative of the 37% of this town's population that everyone else wishes would just go away. If they want to get rid of a columnist, they should start with the utterly banal quasi-fascist Mary Kunz Goldman.

Dr. David Hager: Ass-Rammer

The Nation | Article | Dr. Hager's Family Values | Ayelish McGarvey

We love stories like this. Christian conservative Dr. David Hager is a Bush appointee to the FDA and a key figure in the FDA's rejection of Plan B, an emergency oral contraceptive, as an over the counter drug, against the overwhelming approval of its own commitee.

Turns out he is also an ass-ramming rapist.

"...God has called me to stand in the gap," he declared. "Not only for others, but regarding ethical and moral issues in our country."

For Hager, those moral and ethical issues all appear to revolve around sex: In both his medical practice and his advisory role at the FDA, his ardent evangelical piety anchors his staunch opposition to emergency contraception, abortion and premarital sex. Through his six books--which include such titles as Stress and the Woman's Body and As Jesus Cared for Women, self-help tomes that interweave syrupy Christian spirituality with paternalistic advice on women's health and relationships--he has established himself as a leading conservative Christian voice on women's health and sexuality.

And because of his warm relationship with the Bush Administration, Hager has had the opportunity to see his ideas influence federal policy.
[...]
Davis alleges that between 1995 and their divorce in 2002, Hager repeatedly sodomized her without her consent..."I probably wouldn't have objected so much, or felt it was so abusive if he had just wanted normal [vaginal] sex all the time," she explained to me. "But it was the painful, invasive, totally nonconsensual nature of the [anal] sex that was so horrible."
[...]
Sometimes Hager would blithely shift from vaginal to anal sex. Davis protested. "He would say, 'Oh, I didn't mean to have anal sex with you; I can't feel the difference,'" Davis recalls incredulously...

By the 1980s, according to Davis, Hager was pressuring her to let him videotape and photograph them having sex. She consented, and eventually she even let Hager pay her for sex that she wouldn't have otherwise engaged in--for example, $2,000 for oral sex... "I would let him sodomize me, and he would leave a check on the dresser," Davis admitted to me with some embarrassment. This exchange took place almost weekly for several years.
[...]
Eventually, Davis was diagnosed as having narcolepsy...Davis says it was after the diagnosis that the period of the most severe abuse began. For the next seven years Hager sodomized Davis without her consent while she slept roughly once a month until their divorce in 2002, she claims. "My sense is that he saw [my narcolepsy] as an opportunity," Davis surmises. Sometimes she fought Hager off and he would quit for a while, only to circle back later that same night...

She says she confronted her husband on numerous occasions...Hager would, in rare instances, admit what he had done and apologize, but typically would deny it altogether.

Denial, of course, is a skill necessary to being a typical Christian conservative fundy hypocrite. Behind every one of these sanctimonious blowhards lies a self-loathing sexual deviant in fervent denial of his true nature. Props to the Nation for exposing this dickhead. We hope his life is irrevocably ruined.

But somehow we doubt this will affect his career much. Still, we wonder what Hager had to say about Bill Clinton's consensual, pro bono BJ action a few years back.

Here's the printer-friendly version, in case you don't feel like clicking on all those "next page" links.

More bullshit from the Bufalo Snooze

Check out this local news brief from the April 7 Bufalo News on the evil xylene spill into niagara river (italics added):

COAST GUARD PROBING CHEMICAL SPILL IN CHANNEL

By John F. Bonfatti - NEWS STAFF REPORTER


The Coast Guard is trying to determine the source of a chemical spill into a channel at the foot of Ontario Street that leads to the Niagara River.

Hazardous materials responders were called to the site Tuesday evening after passers-by reported an unusual odor and a substance on the water, according to Coast Guard Marine Safety Technician Chief Scott Howell.

[...]

Capt. Tommy Fitzpatrick of the Buffalo Fire Department's Hazardous Materials Operations Division, said the main component of the spill was xylene, a solvent commonly used in a number of products, including paint and cleaning fluids.

It is a central nervous system depressant and possible reproductive hazard, although there isn't sufficient information to determine whether xylene is carcinogen, according to the International Agency for Research on Cancer.

[...]

A contractor hired by the Coast Guard put two containment booms in the water at the mouth of the channel, and both Howell and Fitzpatrick believe little or none of the chemical went into the river.

'You don't get much flow in there unless there are heavy, heavy rains,' Fitzpatrick said. 'It was just inching along.'

Howell said investigators are trying to determine whether the chemical got into the channel by accident or whether it was intentionally dumped. They're also trying to determine where it came from but acknowledged, 'It's like finding a needle in a haystack.'"

This is total horseshit. For one, we were at the press conference at the spill site--the News wasn't. We heard eyewitness accounts of large chunks of the nasty stuff (which floats on top of the water, looking something like thin sheets of ice) floating down the river. The Friends of the Buffalo Niagara Rivers people estimated the spill to be "at least hundreds of gallons." It was several hours between the time when FBNR's Robert Chambers (the "passers-by" referred to in the News article) notified authorities and the clean-up operations began. But we're supposed to believe it's possible that none of the toxic chemicals made the 100-or-so-foot journey into the river, from an outflow which drains directly into it? The notion is preposterous. The News should be ashamed.

Secondly, just how do hundreds of gallons of xylene get spilled into the channel by accident? "Hey, dad, you know those huge barrels of xylene you keep in the yard? Yeah, well, me and the guys were tossing the pigskin around, and we accidentally knocked twenty or so into the creek. Sorry."

What the hell is this newspaper's job? We find it alarming how easy it is for a handful of slackers like us to outclass our only Major Daily in reporting facts. Our little report on the spill is at the bottom of this page. Just ignore the pictures of Tom Cruise.

Chappelle's No-show

Yahoo! Top Stories - Report: Chappelle in Psych Facility

Damn. Apparently, Dave can't handle the fact that people think he's funny. Or maybe it's the $50 million. Or maybe he's just strung out.

Several unnamed friends of the entertainer posited different theories explaining his absence to the newsmag. One said Chappelle "freaked" and didn't know how to deal with the breakout success of Chappelle's Show...

Another acquaintance alluded to the Half-Baked star's partying. "I wouldn't say it's out of control," the purported pal dished to Newsweek, "but at some point that has to affect you if you've got a regular gig." Chappelle's camp has categorically denied he was abusing drugs.

A third suggested in Newsweek that Chappelle had creative differences with Comedy Central over the direction of the show. Chappelle reportedly wanted to push the boundaries of his comedy, with some racially provocative sketches, but the network had resisted.

Hey Comedy Central--don't mess with excess.

Somewhere, Colin Quinn is smiling, thinking of jokes at Chappelle's expense, and then killing the jokes with his spluttering delivery.

Zogby Goes Down

On Arianna Huffington's new all-star mega-blog, John Zogby repeats the new mantra that Democrats "have no new ideas," but just trash Bush and the GOP's "ideas." The problem with this is that the Dems are in no position to push anything new, and are stuck in a reactive, defensive crouch due to the Republican majority onslaught.

Besides, universal health care may be an "old" idea, but it's a good one. Same with progressive taxation. And social safety nets for the poor. These "new" Republican ideas are actually just reactions to those old ideas, as in "Let's kill those old ideas."

Why does an idea have to be "new" to be worthwhile? Especially when the old ones worked so well? Zogby here is just playing into the GOP slant on the situation. The fact is, these old ideas worked a lot better for Americans than any of the disastrous GOP ideas, which are about as new as rich people wanting more money.

We have defended Zogby in the past, but here he just sounds like another retarded GOP shill. He's right (sadly) that Democrats need to market better, but the whole "new ideas" thing is meaningless.

Maybe when there's a link to this blog on the website, there'll be comments from readers.

Fun from the archives

It's too nice out to come up with a cogent opinion, so here's the start of what will probably be a regular stream of posts which recycle old content we liked and you have almost definitely not seen. Today, a hilarious fake ad from issue 50, the "sell out" issue.




Come on; that's just funny.

Also from the same issue, Taibbi's Top 10 Reasons to Vote Republican. We especially like the Niman/Schwarzenegger dichotomy pics.

We plan to create a decent link list for the sidebar...sometime...


Buffalo News Acknowedges Beast's Existence

Second mention in our three-year history. Maybe that Jeff Simon isn't so bad after all.

We in Buffalo have had an unusually intimate view of Taibbi since he brought his horse-sperm-pie brand of journalism here as a co-founder of the Beast, the Buffalo alternative paper that injected real anarchy, tastelessness and screaming lunacy into a local alternative press that, up to that point, seemed satisfied just being alternative.

Whatever else you can say about the Beast, it certainly makes noise. At the moment, Tom Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields has risen to the bait, mistaking gleeful adolescent spew for real malice. (Disclosure: This writer found himself a victim of mockery in the Beast, referring to posterior size, a common theme in Taibbi's writing.)

Taibbi now writes for the Village Voice's competition, the New York Press (whose editor just resigned over a flap about a Taibbi piece on the pope), and Rolling Stone. He has written for the Nation, and his antic work keeps showing up in the Beast, where it is, far and away, the best thing in it.

Geez, "far and away?" Way to rub it in, Simon. Still, that the most ink any paper in town--that anyone reads--has given us, and by far the most positive. As an added bonus, we're willing to bet this is the first Buffalo News article ever to contain four instances of the phrase "horse sperm pie."

Tom Cruise feedback

Still no word from Tom Cruise or his lawyer, Bert Fields; you would almost think we had done something to upset them. Can it really be possible that all you have to do to cow the famously sue-happy celeb is say "fuck you?" We're pretty sure they've seen the recent issue--after all, we mailed it to them. Maybe Tom's too busy giving herpes to virgins to worry about it, but we're frankly surprised Fields hasn't moved forward with his plan to sue/advertise our paper. What do we have to do?

At any rate, fans around the nation have been sending us words of encouragement and tidbits of info. This one comes from Jason Cagarran:

I used to run a satirical Onionesque Web site (www.wreckedhighway.com) that has since petered out but I wrote an article a while back with the headline "Tom Cruise Finally Admits He's Not Only Gay, but Very Gay." And I got the following letter fedexed to my house:
http://www.wreckedhighway.com/cruiseletter1.jpg
http://www.wreckedhighway.com/cruiseletter2a.jpg

Thought you might like more evidence as to just how much of a cheesedick this guy really is.
Jason

Thanks, Jason! Man those letters are funny. Each is a testament to Bert Fields' inhuman lack of humor. Didn't Larry Flynt already take care of this? Well, from our experience, we think you should have answered Fields' letter like this:

Dear Bertram,
I humbly apologize for my article. I don't know how I could have gotten the facts so wrong! In an effort to assuage my wrongdoing, I propose a settlement: in exchange for your agreement not to pursue legal action, I will allow you to come to my house and lick my taint. It is my estimation that the deep, musty, varied flavors of my taint juice will more than make up for any damage caused here. Please invite Mr. Cruise to join us if you wish. I hope this arrangement will be found agreeable to all parties involved, and may lead to further taint-related interaction between us in the future.
Thank you,
Jason Caggaran

Just a suggestion, though.

Onward to Irrelevance

Okay, so we've gotten some requests to do this, and since the website only updates every two weeks--and our server seems to go down every three days or so--it seems like it might be a good idea. There's a good chance it'll wind up neglected, but here is The Beast officially joining the "blogosphere," now that everyone else already has. We wish we knew enough to install wordpress or movable type or something cool like that, but for now it's blogger, and this lame standard template. More to come, possibly.

"These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace and said, 'Me, too!'" -Homer Simpson