“We’re speaking at a conference today as Dow Chemical and we’re going to unveil a new mascot. And do a lecture, you know. We’ve got a couple of extra name tags. Do you wanna come?”

When I’d met them before, Mike and Andy had just made a fictional announcement, claiming that – as spokesmen for Dow Chemical - they were accepting full responsibility for the Bhopal disaster, when a chemical plant exploded killing thousands of people.

I run round the house. Dig out my suit. A tie. Smart shoes. I don't own a watch. My hair's too long. The button on the inside of my suit trousers has fallen off. My iron is buried so far in the back of a cupboard that I just have to go creased.

An hour later, I’m standing outside Gloucester Road tube station. Spot someone from Bank of Finland wearing a conference delegate pass. I could always go ahead into the conference. Then realise I don't know what my name is yet.

I look up from my phone. Standing round me a black business suit, matching shirt and tie. A long tall grey suit and European tie. A powerdressed skirt and shirt. The pin-stripe three button Mafiosi look with highcut waistcoat and red silk tie. The crisp white shirt, charcoal blue suit and tie. Andy Bichlbaum, Mike Bonano and three accomplices.

“So,” says Andy Bichlbaum, pulling a handful of name tags from his laptop bag, “do you want to be Adnan Poonani? Or Robert?”

I choose Robert.
Robert Bruce LaBruce. Bank of Scotland. Scotland.

While Mike and Andy disappear to prepare for their speech, the four of us stand in the lobby. I've not met any of them before (although our backstory is that we've met a few times at conferences). It's quite strange making small talk when you know the person you're talking to is lying about everything. Including their name.

Julia Persona (“Barclays”) and Mort Bortslopp (“Unilever”) check the programme for other (non-fictional) delegates from their companies. Mike sidles past, tells us which way to head for the conference room and walks off.

I was very nervous. All I had to do was wear a false name badge and hope noone spoke to me. As I walk into the Exhibition Hall, I’m stopped by the Vice-President of International Financial Institutions at a major US investment bank.