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Bitter Tonic

Comedy, satire, humor and other ways to dull the pain.

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Exxon Will Burn PEOPLE For Fuel If Climate Calamity Hits Us

Not to worry people. The oil industry has a plan to keep us safe in the even of climate disaster. It’s called Vivoleum, and it’s from Exxon.

“Representatives” from Exxon and the National Petroleum Council reassure us that in the worst case scenario, the oil industry could “keep fuel flowing” by transforming the billions of people who will die in an environmental calamity right back into oil.

“We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant,” said “NPC rep” “Shepard Wolff”.

“”Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production,” noted “Exxon rep” “Florian Osenberg.” “With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us left.”

Scared? You should be. Because this crazy presentation that was delivered June 14th at GO-EXPO, Canada’s largest oil conference, wasn’t outed as a prank until nearing the end of the speech, when the fake representatives lit candles supposedly made from actual Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of an “Exxon janitor” who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic spill. The audience - 300 oil men - only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his death.

Before that the audience listened to the lecture with attention, watched the 3-D animations outlining the process used to render human flesh into a Vivoleum, and obligingly lit the candles, fully knowing what they were made from.

Who’s are these pranksters? While it’s Bitter Tonic’s favourite heroes The Yes Men, who are notorious for impersonating “big-time criminals in order to publicly humiliate them.” Targets are leaders and big corporations who put profits ahead of everything else, like the WTO, Dow and Bush.

Be sure to check out their web site for more clever hoaxes, like The Reburger, and to watch the Yes Men documentary to see them pull off an absurd hoax at a textile industry show (see image below.) Become a Yes Man yourself, and support the hijinx. After all, there is nothing better than satire to protest the stupidity of expecting the world’s biggest polluter to have an environmental solution.

“If our idea of energy security is to increase the chances of climate calamity, we have a very funny sense of what security really is,” Bonanno said. “While ExxonMobil continues to post record profits, they use their money to persuade governments to do nothing about climate change. This is a crime against humanity.”

“Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting his advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge of the flock,” said “Shepard Wolff” (Bichlbaum). “Exxon has done more damage to the environment and to our chances of survival than any other company on earth. Why should we let them determine our future?”

No Yes Men were harmed during the escapade. Security guards dragged Andy Bichlbaum (Shepard Wolff) away from the reporters, and he and Mike Bonanno (Florian Osenberg) were detained until Calgary Police Service officers could arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions had been committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.

Oh, and by the way, Bichlbaum and Bonanno, are not even the real names of the Yes Men. The are actually Jacques Servin and Igor Vamos. Servin is best known for who inserted images of men kissing in the computer game SimCopter, while Vamos is an assistant professor of media arts at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, New York.

Learn more:

About The Yes Men,
Watch The Yes Men Documentary on Google,
About the NPC and ExxonMobil,
About the Alberta oil sands,
About liquid coal.

The Yes Men Manager of the Future

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Pingback from Unbelievable… « Suzie-Q
Time: June 15, 2007, 7:49 pm

[…] all about the Yes Men’s latest anti corporate stunt at The Bitter Tonic. And you know what? Watch their movie if you haven’t seen it yet or haven’t seen it in […]

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