June 14, 2007 -
Imposters posing as ExxonMobil and National Petroleum Council (NPC)
representatives delivered an outrageous keynote speech to 300 oilmen at
GO-EXPO, Canada's largest oil conference, held at Stampede Park in
Calgary, Alberta, today.
It was 8.00 a.m and already dozens of
people had turned out from the local community to help us voice our
protest at this company's misleading of its own shareholders - and the
public. We had our scheduled press conference outside but Exxon jumped
all over us by scheduling theirs at the same time - usual nasty tricks.
The
speech was billed beforehand by the GO-EXPO organizers as the major
highlight of this year's conference, which had 20,000 attendees. In it,
the "National Petroleum Council (NPC) rep" was expected to deliver the
long-awaited conclusions of a study commissioned by US Energy Secretary
Samuel Bodman. The
NPC is headed by former ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond, who is also the chair of the study.
In
the actual speech, the "NPC rep" announced that current U.S. and
Canadian energy policies (notably the massive, carbon-intensive
exploitation of
Alberta's oil sands, and the development of
liquid coal)
are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. But he reassured
the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil industry could
"keep fuel flowing" by transforming the billions of people who die into
oil.
"We need something like whales, but infinitely more
abundant," said "NPC rep" "Shepard Wolff" (actually Andy Bichlbaum of
the Yes Men), before describing the technology used to render human
flesh into a new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations of
the process brought it to life.
"Vivoleum works in perfect
synergy with the continued expansion of fossil fuel production," noted
"Exxon rep" "Florian Osenberg" (Yes Man Mike Bonanno). "With more
fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more
feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will continue to flow for those of us
left."
The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and
then lit "commemorative candles" supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained
from the flesh of an "Exxon janitor" who died as a result of cleaning
up a toxic spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a
video tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles
after his death, and all became crystal-clear.
At that point,
Simon Mellor, Commercial & Business Development Director for the
company putting on the event, strode up and physically forced the Yes
Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted Bonanno out the door, a dozen
journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who, still in character as "Shepard
Wolff," explained to them the rationale for Vivoleum.
"We've
got to get ready. After all, fossil fuel development like that of my
company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate change, which
could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and conflicts that
would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells.
Without oil
we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity
would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all those bodies
could be turned into fuel for the rest of us."
"We're not
talking about killing anyone," added the NPC rep." "We're talking about
using them after nature has done the hard work. After all, 150,000
people already die from climate-change related effects every year.
That's only going to go up - maybe way, way up. Will it all go to
waste? That would be cruel."
Security guards then dragged
Bichlbaum away from the reporters, and he and Bonanno were detained
until Calgary Police Service officers could arrive. The policemen,
determining that no major infractions had been committed, permitted the
Yes Men to leave.
Canada's oil sands, along with "liquid
coal," are keystones of Bush's Energy Security plan. Mining the oil
sands is one of the dirtiest forms of oil production and has turned
Canada into one of the world's worst carbon emitters. The production of
"liquid coal" has twice the carbon footprint as that of ordinary
gasoline. Such technologies increase the likelihood of massive climate
catastrophes that will condemn to death untold millions of people,
mainly poor.
"If our idea of energy security is to increase
the chances of climate calamity, we have a very funny sense of what
security really is," Bonanno said. "While ExxonMobil continues to post
record profits, they use their money to persuade governments to do
nothing about climate change. This is a crime against humanity."
"Putting
the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting his advice on
our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge of the flock,"
said "Shepard Wolff" (Bichlbaum). "Exxon has done more damage to the
environment and to our chances of survival than any other company on
earth. Why should we let them determine our future?"