he speech was billed
beforehand by the GO-EXPO organizers as the major highlight of this
year's conference, which had 20,000 attendees. In it, the "NPC rep" was
expected to deliver the long-awaited conclusions of a study
commissioned by US Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman.
The NPC is headed by former ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond, who is also the chair of the study. (See link at end.)
In the actual speech, the "NPC rep" announced that current U.S. and
Canadian energy policies (notably the massive, carbon-intensive
exploitation of Alberta's oil sands, and the development of liquid
coal) are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. But he
reassured the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil
industry could "keep fuel flowing" by transforming the billions of
people who die into oil.
"We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant," said
"NPC rep" "Shepard Wolff" (actually Andy Bichlbaum of the Yes Men),
before describing the technology used to render human flesh into a new
Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations of the process
brought it to life.
"Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of
fossil fuel production," noted "Exxon rep" "Florian Osenberg" (Yes Man
Mike Bonanno). "With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of
disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will
continue to flow for those of us left."
The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit
"commemorative candles" supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the
flesh of an "Exxon janitor" who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic
spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video tribute,
announced that he wished to be transformed into candles after his
death, and all became crystal-clear.
At that point, Simon Mellor, Commercial & Business Development
Director for the company putting on the event, strode up and physically
forced the Yes Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted Bonanno out the
door, a dozen journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who, still in character
as "Shepard Wolff," explained to them the rationale for Vivoleum.
"We've got to get ready. After all, fossil fuel development like that
of my company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate change,
which could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and conflicts
that would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells. Without oil we
could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity
would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all those bodies
could be turned into fuel for the rest of us."
"We're not talking about killing anyone," added the "NPC rep." "We're
talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After
all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects
every year. That's only going to go up - maybe way, way up. Will
it all go to waste? That would be cruel."
Security guards then dragged Bichlbaum away from the reporters, and he
and Bonanno were detained until Calgary Police Service officers could
arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions had been
committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.
Canada's oil sands, along with "liquid coal," are keystones of Bush's
Energy Security plan. Mining the oil sands is one of the dirtiest forms
of oil production and has turned Canada into one of the world's worst
carbon emitters. The production of "liquid coal" has twice the carbon
footprint as that of ordinary gasoline. Such technologies increase the
likelihood of massive climate catastrophes that will condemn to death
untold millions of people, mainly poor.
"If our idea of energy security is to increase the chances of climate
calamity, we have a very funny sense of what security really is,"
Bonanno said. "While ExxonMobil continues to post record profits, they
use their money to persuade governments to do nothing about climate
change. This is a crime against humanity."
"Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting his
advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge of the
flock," said "Shepard Wolff" (Bichlbaum). "Exxon has done more damage
to the environment and to our chances of survival than any other
company on earth. Why should we let them determine our future?"
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