Friday night at the Oscars
By Lane Hiltunen
REGIONAL (Jan 13, 2006): It seems logical to me that Maine likes to be
first in the nation. First to see the rising sun, first in its tax
burden and first in the nation having a governor visit Cuba. Maine
should be first with the Oscars so let's not beat around the bush (no
pun intended) and get to the Oscar presentations for 2006. Any
complaints and I'll find a use for Jackass: The Movie!
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For
the category, "Best Actor in a Film," the Oscar winner is our President
for his roles in several films to include The Sum of All Fears, Catch
Me If You Can, and Careful, He Might Hear You. Our Vice President won
the Oscar for "Best Supporting Actor" in All The President's Men,
Disturbing Behavior and Wag the Dog. Both the President and Vice
President won an Oscar for "Best Live Action Short Film" in Beavis and
Butt-head Do America or was that Ted Kennedy and Al Gore? Rep. Tom
DeLay won the Oscar for "Best Director" in Don't Call Me a Con Man and
Gone with the Wind. Maine also has a list of Oscar
winners. Our governor won an Oscar for "Best Foreign Language Film" in
Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. He also won an Oscar in "Best Documentary
Feature" for How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Not to be outdone, Dirigo
Health won best direction in a comedy with If You Give a Pig a Party,
Analyze This and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (which I wanted to use
in several places). For the Democrats like Rep.
Joanne Twomey who tend to switch party affiliations every other month,
I present the Oscar for "Best Actor in a Political Documentary" in
films such as Mutiny on the Bounty, The Caine Mutiny and Any Which Way
You Can. An Oscar should be given for "Worst
Director in a Film about Maine's Top Political Parties. How about The
Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, or A Fistful of Dollars? For
Oscars in Windham, the Planning Board won an Oscar hands down in The
Yes Men and The Agony and the Ecstasy. We should also pass out an Oscar
for the School Board for their performances in Are You Being Served and
The Awful Truth. Even the Town Council won Oscars for their performance
in The Big Sleep and The Day the Earth Stood Still, although I think
they should have won for It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World or The Rocky
Horror Picture Show! All the above Oscars are just
in fun. This next one isn't. Recently my wife accompanied her mother in
her annual snowbird migration to Georgia. The trip down went just fine
so one can best believe the return trip was a total disaster. To the
airline which deserves Oscars for "Worst Actor, Director and Anything
Else," here's to your performances in Scarface: The Shame of the Nation
and Trouble in Paradise but not for The Wizard of Oz (at least Alice
returned home). My wife deserves an Oscar for appearing in Lost in
Space. My wife also made two collect calls from the
Atlanta Airport. For two collect calls, both less than 3 minutes we
received a phone bill for $53.97 which included $23.40 for each call
plus other charges. So to the phone company who receives payment for
scalping its customers, I present Oscars for your performances in How
to Steal a Million, Crimes and Misdemeanors and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth." –Winston Churchill
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